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Sooner or later the adoptive parents they will have to talk and explain to their child what adoption is about.
Before wanting the child to understand and accept himself as an adopted child, it is better to explain, through stories, what adoption is. It is very important that parents have very clear concept. Adopting a child, although many people understand it differently, is one more way to have a child. It is not, nor should it be, an act of solidarity.
If what the couple wants is to have a child, it must be assumed as such, since their attitude will depend on the understanding of the child about adoption. If the child is only a way or object of solidarity, it will not help him at all to recognize for himself that he has a father or a mother. From the moment that parents recognize and experience the adoption as something real, it will be much easier for the adopted child to see himself as such.
The truth must be ahead of any and all situation. In adoption as well. In the same way that a biological child will want to know at some point how he was born, etc., the adopted child also has the same right.
GuiaInfantil.com offers some tips to help the adopted child to understand adoption:
1. In order to help your child, he must first be very well clarified with your partner the issue of adoption. Adopting is just one more way to have a child.
2. Share your children's personal history with them. Include details about the day of their birth (at least those that you know), how much they weighed and their average age at birth, what they looked like, etc. Depending on the age of the child, information about their genetic background and the place where he was born. It is important to talk about the biological mother of a neutral form. Never judge her or give a bad image of her.
3. Rate the genetic history, ethnicity and previous relationships of your adopted child.
4. Permanently reaffirm your place in the family. This will help calm possible fears and fears. All children, regardless of whether they are biological or adopted, should feel integrated into the family. That will keep your self-esteem in good shape.
5. Encourage him to express and share your feelings, doubts, concerns. Trust must exist and be built between parents and children. Safe children are happy children.
6. Help him externalize his responsibility for the decisions his parents have made. Whatever the reasons for his offer for adoption, your child needs to be sure that things did not happen because of him. The researcher Miriam komar makes a classification of answers given to questions asked by foster children in five communication styles:
1. Rational. It is based on the external reality of the child: other people and their attitudes; objects and processes; past history and future expectations, etc. It is not ambiguous and does not present false information, it encourages the child to think about the ambiguities of life and it clarifies the concept of options that the father presents to the son at the same time that it gives him a feeling of belonging. The downside is that the answer is cold and it may not be able to provide the comfort that the child needs.
2. Reflective. The father gives the son an answer that reflects the contained feelings in the question, he validates it and gives due respect. This encourages you in the act of asking the question. It is a true answer and avoids ambiguity, employs logic by highlighting the question. However, used concisely, it does not provide enough information to the son.
3. Chosen child. It highlights the notion that the foster child is loved because he was especially selected by their parents. This imposes a burden in the child, since if he was specially chosen because he was so wonderful, now he will have to continue being so, he will have to continue to be “special”. He will worry that if he doesn't turn out to be as wonderful as they think he will, his parents will regret choosing him and taking him back to where he came from. The intention is to give the child self-esteem by reminding him of the immense love offered by the adoptive family. This answer helps when the child seek comfort but not when asking for information. Also, it overemphasizes the child's dependence on the love of his parents in response to a problem and diminishes the child's ability to think things independently.
4.Glorifying. Idealizes the adoptee, the biological parents and their biological past. He emphasizes that biological parents and heredity are excellent. Parents using this response style, generally perceive the question as a search for self-esteem of the child. Some of the answers given may be true, but the adoptive parent does not know them exactly, thus disappointing the child's desire to know the reality. This style is best applied to the young child who needs to know his biological parents and heredity as something positive.
5. Authoritarian. It was considered as the proper way of speaking to the child: the father speaks, the child listens.
You can read more articles similar to Helping the adopted child understand adoption, in the On-site Adoption category.